Friendships in Adulthood
Why does maintaining friendships become exponentially more difficult as you get older?
Around the age of twelve, I lost my first friendship. Not in any dramatic, earth-shattering way — mostly it was because a lot of change tends to happen between the ages of six and twelve, and sometimes you grow in a different direction than your childhood best friend. Regardless, the loss was difficult, especially because it was the type of loss that goes by so slowly that you don’t even realize it’s gone until years later.
As I grew into a young teenager, I became desperate for a deep, emotional connection that I wasn’t getting anywhere else. It didn’t take long for me to realize that the quickest and most effective way to create that connection was through romantic relationships. In search of this connection, I would allow myself to become completely consumed with the person I was romantically involved with at the time. That, combined with being young and self-centered, resulted in my friendships starting to fall away due to neglect and a lack of nurture. (Note: my best advice to any young person is to not do this).
My inability to sustain meaningful friendships resulted in many superficial and short-lived friendships throughout my youth, that I never gave the time and attention they deserved. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized, as I’m sure many of us have, the value of not only having solid, cared-for friendships, but of having long lasting ones as well. It is such a rare and beautiful thing to be able to grow alongside the people who have known you for years. It’s important to have people in your life that have been with you for a long time — who have seen your growth, your changes, your lowest lows and highest highs, and who are still there for you no matter what.
All that being said, however, I don’t think anyone will disagree with me that navigating friendships as you get older becomes increasingly difficult. As we leave school and part-time jobs where the social life is half the fun, and enter into isolated cubicles and early bedtimes, it’s difficult to not only maintain friendships, but to create them, as well. Making the time to grab dinner suddenly seems much more difficult when all you want to do after work is relax, and your time on the weekends is filled up getting ready for the upcoming week. Our society, especially in the United States, is not designed for adults to have friends. It’s instead designed for us to slip away into isolation, whether alone or with one partner, and create nuclear family units that mostly keep to themselves.
This is not how we’re meant to live — humans thrive in close knit villages, where family and friendship lines are blurred and communities raise families, not individuals. We’re supposed to have a wide and deep network of support systems that are a few steps away, and generations of wisdom and advice to learn from.
However, I don’t foresee us making that shift any time soon. In our current reality, people move far away to different cities because the money is better, and work longer hours to move up at their companies. Everyone ends up exhausted, overworked, and far away from each other. Add in a partner, a kid or two, and your free time just keeps disappearing. All of this is terrible for fostering and nurturing long-lasting friendships. Never fear, though, all is not lost! The best thing we can do, despite all of this working against us, is try to become more intentional with our time.
First of all, you’re going to have to become okay with scheduling time to hang out with friends. This will feel like making a doctor’s appointment — you’ll have to schedule it at least a few weeks to a month in advance, pick a mutually agreed upon time and place, and put it in your calendar so you don’t forget or double book yourself (feel old yet?). I know it feels gross, and like you have to schedule time to have fun, but at some point you’ll realize that more often than not, this is the only way you will actually see your friends. Find a date, mark your calendar. I promise you it’s not going to feel like an awkward, obligatory appointment once you’re actually there.
Secondly, you’re going to have to put a lot more effort into communication. Gone are the days of spending hours chatting with your friend at work or school, of having externally predetermined times to see each other and share updates on your lives. Now, it’s on you and your friend to actively put in the effort to call and text and check in. Remember, however, that people are busy. Don’t hold your friend, or yourself, to a standard that you can’t meet. You won’t be talking everyday, and that’s perfectly normal. Cherish the friendships that are easy, that you can pick up where you left off (whether it be weeks or months later), and that make you feel good.
Many of us take our friendships for granted, especially when we’re young, and as we get older, as well. My advice is: don’t. Not to get all doomsday on you, but in my experience, it’s rare that once a friendship has fizzled and faded, that you’ll ever be able to get the same relationship back. Reunions are typically awkward and feel forced, and catching up on years of lost time is difficult. Your time is better used nurturing your existing friendships, putting the extra effort in when it’s needed, and appreciating the fact that you have great, caring people in your life who you don’t want to lose.
As someone who grew up without many friends, but who now has a very small, close-knit group of meaningful relationships, I have come to believe that maintaining quality friendships is one of the best things you can do for yourself and for others. So go call your friend, tell them you love them, and set up a time to see each other. It’s important.
Well said!