Getting Away & Finding Peace
How can we realize we're too stuck in our own heads until we get away from it all?
Two weekends ago, I took a trip to Acadia National Park with my fiancé and my best friend. A few years ago, my friend had introduced us to Acadia, her favorite place, and it quickly became one of ours, as well. Given that the drive is just a short, brisk, six and a half hours away… we don’t make it up there too often. We had two goals for this trip: one, have a good time and hang out, and two, scope out potential photo spots for our elopement next fall.
The time leading up to the trip was stressful, to say the least. It shouldn’t have been, but my anxiety and OCD caused me to spiral into full panic mode for an entire week before the trip. Obsessive thinking is difficult to describe to people, because it sounds insane. But in my mind, if I left on this three day, two night trip — lots of bad things were going to happen. If I left my cat alone, anything could happen and she’d die. What if a fire miraculously sparks in our apartment when we’re not home? What if the cat gets out? What if there’s a gas leak? Water leak?
All of these thoughts and more were swimming around in my head until I felt like I was drowning. I was frustrated with myself because I don’t want to be this way. I want to be easygoing, calm, collected. But once a scary thought like that pops into my head, it’s impossible to go back and convince myself the odds of any of those things happening are probably very, very small.
Regardless, the sun set and rose as it always does, and the day came to leave. We piled into the car with our anxious dog who had no idea what she was in for, and set off. As time went on, I found that most of what I was worrying about and obsessing over started to slowly melt away (though, not completely). I was spending time with two people I care about so much, talking, having fun, swapping stories and funny anecdotes.
Despite one minor, isolated panic attack, the trip went wonderfully. We were back in beautiful Acadia, the ocean air filling our lungs, the sound of waves hitting our ears, the peace and serenity that comes with sleeping on the ground in a $20 Walmart tent (…NOT). We spent a lot of time outdoors, enjoying the sunshine and the freedom to do with our days whatever we wanted.
After returning from our trip, I finally admitted to myself something that had been creeping up inside me for months now: I was lonely. It wasn’t just me, either, my partner was feeling it too. We had each other, obviously, but when you stick around your rural college town area while almost everyone else moves back to the city or far away to another state, you start to lose a sense of community or closeness with the people around you. You miss out on impromptu hikes with friends, weeknight dinners with family, and Sunday breakfast on the weekends. Going to see family or friends requires exhausting day trips that can only be taken once in a while because they’re expensive and time consuming.
Both of our families live at least two hours away in any direction, many of our friends moved back east or even farther away, and the pandemic has made it so difficult to create new meaningful relationships. I realized that by existing in my own little bubble, my mental health has only continued to get worse. Spending time with my friend and partner in one of our favorite places allowed me to finally let go of the obsessive thinking for a while because I was too focused on enjoying myself and making memories to worry about the “what-if’s.” Talking to or visiting family always makes me feel more grounded and connected. I realized that by living where I did and operating how I was (isolating myself), I was giving up the ability to have frequent, meaningful connections with friends and family that ultimately improve my mental health significantly.
I’m not sure what responding to this new revelation will look like for myself or my partner. But I know that I’m making it a point to focus on spending more time with family and friends in the coming months, and doing things that get me out of the house and out of my comfort zone. While I may dread the long road trips or scheduled hang outs, I leave almost always feeling energized and rejuvenated. Go call someone you love.
Loneliness is brutal. I live across the country from most of my family and miss them terribly. We've all spent so much time isolated this last year or so, I think it's helped a lot of us zero in on a specific anxiety that was background radiation before. Thank you for sharing!