My fiancé and I met at a very inopportune time. A few weeks after we began spending time together, he was scheduled to leave for a three month deployment overseas in eastern Europe. This meant that we had just a few weeks to get to know each other better and make memories before we slipped abruptly out of the honeymoon stage and right into a long distance relationship, six hours and an ocean apart.
Prior to his departure, while I was feeling overwhelming emotions of love, passion, fear, and anticipation, I decided to write him a letter that he could take with him on his trip. At the end of that letter, I explained that for my whole life, most of my romantic relationships had been a sea of misery with islands of happiness — but that with him, for the first time, I’m in a sea of happiness with islands of difficult, but accomplishable, challenges. The letter is stowed away in a drawer somewhere, and I haven’t seen it in over three years, but I will always remember writing that sentence, and experiencing that feeling for the first time. In that moment, I realized that I may have finally found actual love and companionship.
As a serial monogamist since my late teenage years, I have had numerous long-term relationships, most of which lasted far beyond their expiration date. When I was younger, I misinterpreted what relationships were supposed to be like. I had heard in movies and TV shows and from older people in my life that love is difficult. It’s not easy. It’s hard. Fighting is normal. My young, developing brain understood this as justification for nasty fights, disrespectful behavior, and the general unhappiness that comes along with forcing love between two people who don’t love each other anymore.
I worry about young people, especially young girls, making similar interpretations of the phrase “love is hard.” The truth is, love shouldn’t be that hard. Yes, it takes work, and it requires growth, acceptance, forgiveness, and understanding, and that can be challenging from time to time. But overall, love should be easy. It should be a source of happiness, it should feel warm and comforting, not valleys of unspeakable lows and peaks of passionate highs. You shouldn’t feel at war with your partner, instead, you should feel like it’s you and them as a team, working against the problems that are causing issues in your relationship.
In romantic relationships, like in all relationships, there will be difficult times. There will be challenges you have to face together or individually. There will be times when you aren’t at your best, and there will be times when your partner isn’t. This is all normal. This is what people mean when they say love is hard. But that phrase is overused and leaves too much up to interpretation. Love isn’t supposed to be hard — it just requires work, care, and attention.
Occasionally, you will fight with your partner. You’ll disagree on things. At some points, you’ll feel like your needs aren’t being met, and at other points, they’ll feel that way. Sometimes your relationship will take a backseat when other pressing matters come up, and the loss of attention and nurture will cause distance and tension. If you’re in a relationship where you and your partner are having your needs met 100% of the time, never have disagreements or see things differently, and never accidentally fail to devote the time and attention needed to your relationship, then I have one question… are you both robots?
Love is complicated, messy, beautiful, strong, challenging. There is no one perfect person out there for you who will be everything you need all of the time. As much as you are complicated, still growing, still learning, and still making mistakes — as are they. The goal of love and healthy, happy relationships is to find someone you can grow with. Someone who will listen to you when you’re upset about something they did, even if it’s hard for them to do so. Someone who will always work to be on the same team, to fight for the relationship, and to put the time in to care for and nurture it. Someone you understand is not a perfect person, but a stumbling human just like you, just trying to figure things out.
Love is not hard — but it takes work.