Rediscovering Yourself After a Lifetime of Conforming
Who are we, when we take away the external pressures of who we are supposed to be?
In high school, there’s two options: be accepted or be ostracized. Typically, being accepted involves stripping away some part of your identity, morphing yourself into whatever is popular and desirable at the time, and making sure that you fit in comfortably with your friends. The individual quirks, hobbies, and personality that you cultivated throughout your childhood come crashing down as the need to fit in and be liked feels like a life-or-death survival situation.
Then, enter your early twenties: the pressure of having to fit in starts to fade away as you leave school settings and hang onto only the friends you actually enjoyed spending time with. This all sounds great, until you realize that you’re about have your second identity crisis within two decades. Now, without the pressure to conform, you’re left to figure out who you actually are and what you actually enjoy doing. More often than not, you start doing the things you loved in childhood again, the things you stopped doing because the people around you thought they were weird or uncool.
You may realize that the insecurities that have haunted you for years aren’t actually how you feel, that they’re instead the parts of yourself that others made you think were bad. As you begin revisiting hobbies and activities that once brought you immense joy, you might start to feel more confident in your sense of self, more happy, and more excited to enjoy your free time rather than wasting it away.
Or, you may feel more uncomfortable than ever. You may feel like this identity that people have come to know you by — the clothes you wear, the music you like, your sense of humor — is slipping through your fingers and you have no idea who you are. You might yearn for years past when you had a group of friends around you at all times validating you, accepting you, and providing you with a sense of purpose.
More likely than not, you feel both of these at the exact same time. From my experience, this process is both terrifying and liberating. You wonder, “what do I have to show for twenty years of life if I feel like I’m doing a total reset right now?” What’s important to remember is that you’re not doing a total reset. You may feel like you’re reinventing yourself, but you’re not. You’re allowing yourself to shine through again instead of stifling your true self behind what the people around you deem to be acceptable. You’re accepting yourself, and instead of seeking validation and acceptance from those around you, you’re more focused on finding that validation and acceptance within yourself.
For example: tank tops. They used to be the bane of my existence. Other people looked good in them, sure, but me? No way. Due to winning the genetic lottery and somehow receiving the most incompatible traits from both my Irish and Italian side, I simultaneously have very pale skin and very dark hair. This means that my underarms and forearms look much hairier despite my best efforts. I was also blessed with cystic acne, including on my shoulders and back, the kind that doesn’t go away when you turn twenty or when you realize you’re supposed to wash your face with something other than just water.
As a result of all of this, for most of my life, I’ve avoided wearing tank tops. I wouldn’t buy them, and I would return them when they were bought for me as gifts. Recently, and quite randomly, I decided that I liked wearing tank tops. Suddenly, it didn’t matter to me what people thought when they saw my dark underarms or acne. I seriously LOVE tank tops. They’re comfy, they’re cute, and most of all, they’re practical on a 90 degree day with 80% humidity, which is common during New England summers (I was also blessed with the ability to out-sweat even the strongest deodorant).
I’m sure you’ll agree with me that not much has changed about tank tops in the 24 years I’ve been alive. They still have the same basic premise. What changed was how I viewed myself and the world around me. Similarly, for the longest time, I felt like I couldn’t wear a dress or a brightly colored outfit because I spent so long wearing dark colors. It became my brand. People made comments when I strayed from it, and that made me uncomfortable. I felt like I had to stick with what I knew, what I had created about myself as a teenager in order to fit in. Once I tried to stop letting the outside pressure of other peoples’ thoughts, opinions, or comments, influence me as much (key words: as much), I slowly started to feel much happier and more comfortable in who I was.
Over time, and after losing the helpful-yet-unhelpful numbing effects of alcohol, the fear of exploring who I am and what I love slowly became less intense. I stopped judging myself for my interests, or feeling ashamed of what brought me joy. I allowed myself the space to try new things and hate them. I dove back into childhood hobbies I had let go of, unable to remember why. I let myself learn, make mistakes, even suck at the things I tried. I started to face the difficult emotions and feelings that I had been stuffing away.
This period of self re-discovery and acceptance is emotional and challenging. I still struggle immensely with this, and it’s okay if you do, too. Change comes in tiny steps. Improvement is not linear. Some days we feel like we have it all figured out, and other days we feel like that same scared teenager who doesn’t know who she is, lost and searching for acceptance. I hope you feel comfort in the fact that none of us have it figured out, and many of us are experiencing the exact same difficulties and challenges. Do yourself a favor this week and do something you loved as a child, that you gave up and you can’t remember why. Give yourself the space to learn and get back in touch with who you really are. It never left you.